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Badger's World: Season 2

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(Episode 27): 'Tis the Season

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First aired: The Signal: Season 5, Episode 21
Credits
Written by Nick Edwards
Starring Les Howard as Harry
Starring Nick Edwards as Burt
Featuring Kevin Bachelder as Narrator
Featuring Miranda Thomas as Chen
Featuring Kari Haley as Susan
Music by The Bedlam Bards Eavesdown Docks
Edited by Nick Edwards

Badger’s World

Holiday Special

’Tis The Season…

Voiceover
In all the years since Humanity left Earth That Was, much has been forgotten. Old mistakes have been made anew and history has more than once repeated itself, along with some new twists that make the old errors look mild in comparison. And yet, many old traditions have continued almost unchanged since before the great exodus. Certain dates have retained their significance and the giving and exchanging of gifts remains a popular seasonal activity. With one or two exceptions of course…Meanwhile, in Chen’s Throat Emporium…

<SFX: sounds of pub, music and voices in background>

Harry
All I’m sayin’ is that it wouldn’t hurt none for him to show a little bit of….
Burt
Harry, this is Mister Badger we’re talkin’ about
Harry
Yeah but….
Burt
Our employer
Harry
Yeah but he….
Burt
Does what he wants
Harry
That don’t give him the right to…
Burt
It gives him every right. Harry, Mister Badger is the boss. We’re just the hired help as it were
Harry
Aw hell Burt, I know that, it’s just…
Burt
Might be nice if he showed a little bit of common human decency once in a while?
Harry
Well…yeah
Burt
Be grateful for services rendered every now and then?
Harry
That too
Burt
Maybe even receive a gift in the spirit it was intended?
Harry
Exactly my point Burt

<beat>

Burt
You still don’t know Mister Badger very well do you.
Chen
Who doesn’t?
Burt
Ah, Chen. I was just trying to explain to Harry the finer points of what to expect if you give Mister Badger a present at this time of year
Harry
And not explainin’ it very well
Burt
Well, that’s as maybe. Those our drinks?
Chen
No I just carry this heavy tray around for the exercise. You got coin?
Burt
Can’t you just stick it on the….
Chen
No tab! Not since that last little credit incident. You drink, you pay
Burt
Yeah yeah..

<SFX: coins exchanged, drinks put down>

Harry
And you can wipe that smile off your face Harry, it’s your round next

<beat>

Chen
So who made the mistake of giving Badger a Christmas present?
Harry
Ah…that’d be me I guess
Burt
And the bigger mistake of expecting something in return
Chen
What? Your Christmas bonus a bit on the thin side this year Harry?
Harry
Nah, it’s just…
Burt
And here we go again
Chen
So what did you give him?
Harry
Ah….
Burt
Go on. Tell her.
Harry
Ah….The Little Book of Calm

<beat>

Chen
You’re kidding
Harry
Hey it’s a genuine antique from Earth That Was
Chen
Just like this one?
Harry
Yeah exactly like….hey, wait a minute!
Burt
Oh this is good
Harry
<agitated> That’s the book I gave Badger! I mean the actual copy, I recognise the stains on the cover!
Chen
Well maybe you should take a look at page 43
Harry
<very agitated now>What!

<SFX: sound of book being leafed through>

Burt
Allow me. It says, “Why not try a few drops of lavender oil in your bathwater, Let the scent gently waft your concerns away”
Harry
<not at all calm> What in the sphincter of hell is that supposed to mean?
Burt
Or maybe the last page might be more edifying: “ If you have enjoyed this facsimile antique edition, why not pass it on” Compliments of Waffler, Tat and Kitsch, a division of The Blue Sun Corporation

<beat>

Harry
Oh.
Chen
Can I have my book back now?
Burt
What? Oh sorry Chen, there ya go.
Chen
<very slightly annoyed> Thank you!

<Chen leaves>

Harry
Look, that still doesn’t explain why Badger not only didn’t even say thank you, but now he’s simply passing on gifts to the next acquaintance he bumps into?
Burt
Well it is the season of giving
Harry
That’s what I thought!
Burt
Yeah, but you didn’t think it all the way through did you
Harry
Huh?
Burt
You failed to take into consideration the fact that Mister Badger is a tight arsed git with all the seasonal cheer of a plague ridden Reaver and just as likely to give you a hug and a kiss under the mistletoe as acknowledge a pressie from a minion as anything other than his rightful due to do with what he wishes.
Harry
Oh. That.
Burt
Never mind. It’s your round
Harry
How’s that supposed to make me feel better?
Burt
It’s not. But it will do me a world of good!

<fade through pub music to end title/credit>

Voiceover
Next time, Burt and Harry discuss trust and obligation in financial transactions….
Harry
I don’t get it. That was a guaranteed authentic genuine centuries old..……what?
Burt
Don’t tell me. You got it from Sergei right?
Harry
Ah….yeah
Burt
I rest my case

<end>


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